So yesterday Mommy and I attended the Pink Table Talk 2 discussion at the House of Hope in Decatur, GA. We had on our pink and I brought my new book, "When Your Bad Meets His Good", by none other than Pastor Kim Pothier. A birthday gift from my mom. I was prepared to have it signed by Pastor Kim who wasn't there because she didn't feel well. We will keep her in our prayers.
As I sat in the room I marveled at all the beautiful women surrounding me. Most in pink and most in high heels. We discussed topics ranging from how to succeed as a woman in ministry and of course..men, dating, marriage. I don't know about anyone else but I am exasperated with this topic. I'm tired of the "how to find and keep a man" books. I'm tired of being lectured on "how to be a wife and attract a good Godly man" and I'm sick of this fantasy that's fed to women that Prince Charming is going to come in and sweep you off your feet. And then what exactly? Very few times have I heard it discussed what a woman is doing before, during, or after this sweeping of feet. Are we just sitting around praying and waiting? Are we actively looking for the Prince? Are we kissing a bunch of frogs? Them: What about intentional dating? What if I don't want to be his coat? What if he's my lid? Dating is so hard in Atlanta. Me: I just want Jesus. Y'all. I'm going to keep it real with you. Most of my mistakes with men have started with the belief that I need to be married. I didn't even know why I wanted to get married. Maybe it's because I come from a family of Alpha women who are not married and I wanted to be different. Perhaps I wanted the nuclear family that I never had. A lot of it had to do with books, movies, sermons all geared toward helping a women find this man. Oh and by they way, we are supposed to simultaneously find and not look for him at the same time. This man will fall out of the sky. Hand delivered by the Good Lord Himself. This belief that a woman should and needs to be married led to me thinking that if I met a guy and we were compatible, attracted to one another, and possessed the same desire to marry then he must be a potential husband. I started to ignore attitudes, behaviors, and red flags because I was so desperate to believe that I could finally have the husband, house, ring that everyone says I should be seeking. Where did that lead me? I'm a single mother of two kids by two different men who both anatomically could have been husbands, verbally expressed the desire to be a husband, but lacked true commitment and sense of responsibility and had no loyalty toward me. Men can sniff out desperation like blood hounds and if the wrong dog sniff he's going to exploit tf out of you. Just keeping it real as I only know how. My thoughts: 1. GET YOUR HEAD OFF THAT SWIVEL - Stop looking around. Look up! The Bible says in Matthew 6:33 "But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Focus on the Kingdom of God and God's purpose for your life. Quit watching and waiting thinking "Is he the one?" Focus on the Kingdom of God and God's purpose for your life. Keep your mind on things of the Lord. Start that ministry that helps women, open that group home for kids, write your book, start your retail store, raise your children. If you desire to be married then if you are doing the Lord's work and living in obedience then you will be married for the Bible says in Mark 11:24, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." The scriptures don't say when. But it also says in Galatians 6:9, "Let us not grow weary in well-doing. For in due time we will reap a harvest, not giving up." My takeaway is Seek God. Do God's will. Do well. Don't grow weary. What I don't see is scripture is anywhere that it says "Find a man. Keep a man." 2. Proverbs 18:22. You will not find him. He will find you. Call me old fashioned but I firmly believe this. I really don't think men want to be pursued for marriage. I believe that when they are ready to marry they will start looking. If they see you as a suitable wife for them then it's you. If you line some men up and pick out 1 and say "He looks like a good husband. I want that one." You are setting yourself up for disaster. Just as women are taught "Be a wife before you become one" men have to be husbands before they marry a woman. A man has to want to be married (and the responsibilities that come with that) and he has to want you. You are not going to meet a really nice guy and feed and sex him into wanting to marry you. Ask any woman of a particular age and she will tell you that does not work! Men are hunters. When you meet a man who wants to be married, he will tell you. Not vice versa. So today you can stop nagging that man about "When are we getting married?" What you can do is stop giving him marriage privileges and go start that ministry, write that book, open that group home. 3. "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband; but she that makes ashamed is as rottenness in his bones." Remember that you are the crown. Your husband doesn't become a King until he has found you, his Queen. You are his pride and joy. Precious and valuable. Diamonds don't mine for people. People mine for diamonds. Be sought. Be different. Be rare. Be that woman who is not desperate, not going on dates for free meals because it's going to cost him more than money in the long run, be that woman who is not seeking or searching for anything because she has found her purpose in God. In my opinion a good man who is ready, equipped, and sent will not be scared away by your business, your ministry, your values, your morals but will be attracted to the way you live your life for God. He will be attracted to your light as you continue to work to please God who is our ultimate provider and protector.
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Fatimah AleaI was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. I now reside in the Atlanta area. I am a Mother, Daughter, Granddaughter, Sister, Niece, Cousin, and Friend. Archives
December 2018
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